All Hail The Boat

So I'm in kind of a weird mood and was reflecting on the odd Church of the Boat (aka Boat Cult) that you wonderful viewers created way back now during the Extra Life charity stream. Now the cult has certainly been growing since then in the chat of my weekly happy hour live stream, but I thought I'd post here the original preachings (made while playing Mount & Blade) of that fateful stream for you all to enjoy. And special thanks to user Spencer Gaffney for compiling these from chat.

The Great Sir Kottabos came riding into Jelkala upon nothing but a donkey, with nothing but the blessings of the boat gods and the clothes on his back. He showed us the way, enlightened us, and then ventured off to go help some Rhodok Merchant for the 70th time. In his wake, his followers began spreading the beliefs and refining them, into what you see today.

The Church of The Boat has these key principals:

1. Thou shalt not drink of water, unless it has been distilled. Water is the lifeblood of the Boat, the Great Carrier of all things holy. Instead, thou shalt drink fish blood, for fish are the heathenous parasites of the ocean, those who pollute and absorb the waters holiness. (Regarding fish blood and it’s inherit dirty nature; one must boil it to rid it of both physical and metaphorical parasites.)

2. Those that are seasick have two options; leave the oceans glory, for they are not worthy, or train themselves to endure it.

3. Sea raiders, pirates, and other blasphemers are to be attacked on sight. Capture those you can, and kill those you cannot. Convert those you can, sell those you can. We cannot have non-believers sailing the seas.

4. When constructing a Temple of The Boat, the older the boat the better. Japanese WWII boats, Viking Long ships, anything you find can be made into a holy vessel for the Awe-Inspiring power of the boat.

5. The Holy Donkey, the Land-Vessel if you will, is the divine beast of the boat; one must be present on any boat that pledges allegiance to our cause.

6. Our diet consists of only grain products: Noodles, Seed, Bread (Normal, Scali, Toast, all types are fine,) etc. As the old saying goes, “You’re not a true believer if you aren’t constipated.”

Join us, my brothers and sisters, and prosper! (Shoutout to noodlestheasian, wyverngamertwitch, lucian, lemurboy078, scrin, and any others who helped start this terrible meme.)

All Hail The Boat!